~There is never enough time in a day. Never enough time to pack, unpack, clean, pay bills, play, walk the dog, work, relax.......We are in the new house, and close on the sale of the old house Friday. Both have caused a roller coaster of emotions and stress. While it was a little sad to leave the house we started our lives together, I am loving our new house, neighborhood and proximity to family. It will be an amazing place to raise Carsten. I am fully ready to be done with boxes, and dirt, appointments for deliveries and installs.
~Guilt. I've always been overly sensitive about most things, so it's no surprise that now that I'm a mom I'm finding myself guilty over everything. I feel guilty if I take time for myself, but know that if I stay happy, I will be a better mom. I wish I had more time/energy to walk Watson, play with him like I did in the past. I feel bad when I have to run errands or do things around the house and have to drag C around with me. I wonder if he is getting enough sleep, and if he is growing/learning/developing on schedule. I know this is a bit silly to do as all babies do things in their own time. I wonder if the months I struggled with post-partum will effect him, fully knowing he doesn't remember my tears and feelings of helplessness. I feel guilty when I give him formula! Instead of celebrating the fact that I have done the hard work to maintain a supply of breastmilk for him so that I am still breastfeeding him at 8 months over 95% of the time!
~Relationships. Relationships change after a baby. All relationships. I believe I now have a stronger relationship with my parents, sisters, friends who are parents, because I now get it. There is no love stronger than the love a mother or father has for their child. And I really now understand the lengths my parents would go for me...because I would do the same for my son. My marriage is evolving. We have gone from being only two to three. Our relationship has shifted in order to raise a tiny human, and it is work every day to keep eachother just as important as the new man in our life. We will be stronger in the end. Friendships...those little things I always treasured so much. After a baby, the work it takes to keep friendships in tact is more difficult. I can't drop everything in an instant to meet for a brunch, or a movie, or a happy hour. Everything has to be planned and mapped...and I guess it makes me seem less fun and less available. I planned a lunch with some work friends on my birthday just so I wouldn't have to eat alone. At my desk. I would be lying if I said some days aren't a little lonely.
~Sleep. I miss it. A. Lot. But then there are the nights that I lay awake, hoping he starts moving so I can steal another 10 minutes with him.
~Work. My priorities have shifted. I don't want to be someones boss, or climb the ladder. I don't want to change the direction of a company or change the world. I don't want to be a slave to my job, I like my new part time schedule. I want to be a mom. I want to be there for his first word, first step, first day at kindergarten. I want to be his hero...his mommy.
~Love...there are no words powerful enough to express the way I feel when I hold him in my arms. Squeeze his neck, kiss his cheecks, smell his head, take in all of his wonderfulness.
It's no lie to say being a parent is the hardest job in the world...but it is also the most rewarding!
"For now...you are all mine. And I am ALL yours.
Live Large.
Dream Big.
Love Hard.
Be Kind. To everyone and everything.
Do what makes you happy. Never stop smiling.
Have fun. Always. Explore. Teach. Learn.
And never, ever forget how loved you are!"
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